Love is Selfless Not Selfish-Navigating the perils of selfish relationships

Love is Selfless Not Selfish-Navigating the perils of selfish relationships

Love is Self-Less not Selfish

This Episode continues the quest of establishing what Love is vs what it is not.  In this episode we are navigating the perils of selfish relationships and teaching valuable skills in avoiding to toxic or egocentric love.

In the American Psychological Association (APA) dictionary, the definition of “selfishness” is listed as:  the tendency to act excessively or solely in a manner that benefits oneself, even if others are disadvantaged.

We are social beings at the core

  • We are social beings and are most happy when we are socially connected.
    • Humans are symbiotic in nature in that not only do we have billions of micro-organisms living in us that are critical to our survival we as well depend on each other socially.
    • “No man is an island, no man lives alone.” – John Donne
  • Social connections are a negotiation between our own needs and the needs of others.
    • Our Expectations should not be what they can do for us but what we can do for them.  Ideally they should also be thinking the same.  Tissah Kombe
  • On one end of the spectrum lies selfishness, the act of prioritizing oneself over others
    • Selfish is cognoscente of their selfishness and do it anyways
    • Self Centered are not always as cognoscente of their selfish acts but may be so pre occupied with their own thoughts that they act selfish when should they not be so pre-occupied with themselves they might be more kind.
    • From Societies stand point everything revolves around the “self”… or what we can get out of it.  Even vacations a commercial comes to mind you took a vacation to get away from your kids… why go some place where they have kids there…Everything is about your time, your joy, your experience.  We forget that love is not about us.  Love is something poured out we shouldn’t expect anything back for it.  It kind of cheapens love if Im only doing this for something else.  Brandon Phariss.
  • On the other end lies selflessness, the act of putting the needs of others before our own.


1. Too much selfishness (or self centeredness) can suffocate the relationship by fostering hard feelings, emotional distancing and neglect.

2. Too much selflessness can make you feel taken advantage of, feel under appreciated or resentful.

Find a balance using communication, understanding and compromise.  Recognize your individual needs, your partner needs and the needs of the relationship as a whole.



1. Focus on your partner’s priorities

Create a list of the top 10 items your partner cares about the most. Have your partner do the same. Share it with your partner

When your hear the list, listen without judgment and ask clarifying questions to see your partner’s perspective.

Have a collaborative discussion about the items on the list and edit accordingly.

Each week, pick one item from your partner’s list and make it your focus priority.  

2. Create shared experiences

  • Focus on bonding and creating memories together.
  • engage in activities that both of you enjoy
  • plan!  Outings, hobbies, or relaxation!

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